Volume 3, No. 6: What Do You Read When You're Drowning?
Books for frazzled brains and tired hearts
Hi, book people. This was not the newsletter I was planning to send out today. I’m working on an essay about At the Pond, a beautiful book of essays about the Kenwood Ladies’ Pond at Hampstead Heath in London. I was going to send that out today, but it’s not done. Then, over the weekend, I finished listening to Hijab Butch Blues by Lamya H, one of the best books I’ve read this year. I wrote the first draft of an essay about the book, and my relationship to Judaism, and sacred texts, and ritual. I was going to send that out today, but it’s not done.
It has been a shit year for me so far. I got sick on my birthday, the second week in January, and since then, it feels like I’ve been jumping from crisis to crisis. The particulars, maybe, don’t matter so much: things breaking; sudden and unexpected job insecurity; my pup recovering from surgery. The stress of living alone (which I mostly love) and having to deal with all of it by myself—the small stuff and the big stuff—is exhausting. And the world around me is breaking, too. The news is relentless and devastating, and the grief of it sometimes feels like being swallowed.
I am okay. I am healthy. I have even been feeding myself, mostly. I have people in my life who love and support me. I am grateful. But I am struggling. I am struggling, and saying so publicly is scary. A lot of us struggle, and we are not encouraged to talk about it. “No one is paying to read about all your little problems,” says the voice of capitalism in my head. But then I read a post or receive a newsletter in which someone else says: “I’m really tired, and shit is hard, and I just can’t right now. I do not have it in me right now.” And it’s like something blooms inside my chest. And I feel a little lighter, and I take a breath.
I have been reading, because reading is what I do. But my ability to concentrate on books—and especially to write about them coherently—is waning as the days go on and on. I do not have it in me right now. So, instead of an essay, here’s a short list of some of the books I turn to when my brain cannot and my body cannot and my heart cannot. Here’s a breath.
Finding Home by Hari Conner: Because beauty.
In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan: Because sometimes you need an escape portal that is hilarious and smart.
Once & Future by A.R. Capetta & Cori McCarthy: Because gays in space!
World of Wonders by Aimee Nezhukumatathil: Because creatures.
Special Topics in Being a Human by S. Bear Bergman and Saul Freedman-Lawson: Because asking for help is really cool.
Shadow Life by Hiromi Goto and Ann Xu: Because Kumiko, my favorite elderly lady in fiction! Because belly laughs!
The Pursuit Of… by Courtney Milan: Because cheese.
Mrs. Martin’s Incomparable Adventure by Courtney Milan: Because cheese toasties. (I promise Courtney Milan writes gorgeous, funny, sexy love stories, and that they are not just about cheese.)
Phoebe & Her Unicorn by Dana Simpson: Because unicorns. Obviously.
The Tea Dragon Society by K. O’Neill: Because tea leaves in wooden boxes, and colorful jars that catch the light, and ceramic mugs, and gardens.
Check, Please! by Ngozi Ukazu: Because it’s really gay and there are lots of pies.
Catalog of Unabashed Gratitude by Ross Gay: Because fruit and cathartic tears.
Your Emergency Contact Has Experienced An Emergency by Chen Chen: Because soup and cathartic tears.
A Psalm for the Wild-Built & A Prayer for the Crown-Shy by Becky Chambers: Because softness.
Dog Songs by Mary Oliver: Because doggos.
People Change by Vivek Shraya: Because affirmation.
Several People Are Typing by Calvin Kasulke: Because WTF + LOL.
KJ Charles: Because everyone needs their own particular go-to comfort author.
Catch you next week, bookish friends!
Laura, your honesty is beautiful, and so very welcome. A few months ago (months?), I did the same in my own newsletter -- admitted how much I was struggling -- and I was incredibly heartened by people's responses.
You are not a machine, reading books and reviewing them without paying a price, even in good times -- no matter what messages you get (we all get) from our culture. Take the the time and space and break you need to take, whatever that looks like, however that serves you best. Your subscribers will still be here. Be good to yourself.